On Saturday, I leave the country for approximately two weeks and I feel ill-prepared.
Those are some really scary words to share with the internet (or anyone, for that matter).
But, I want to be honest and people resonate with honesty, so let me tell you what I am currently processing. It’s about a week before I leave the country. I am not ready to go across the world on Saturday. That’s a terrifying feeling. I feel small and inadequate and weak and oh my. When I say those things out loud, I hear all the bible verses… “in your weakness you are made strong through Christ.” Yeah, I get it. Thank you Paul. I love your theology and the words you wrote to the corinthian church. But at the same time, I want to flip that switch off in my brain. I don’t think it’s healthy to simply numb these feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty.
And I want to share that with you. It’s okay to travel across the world and not be ready for it. If I waited until I was 100% ready to do anything, then nothing would get accomplished. That mountain wouldn’t get hiked. That paper would’ve never gotten written. That cliff wouldn’t have been jumped off of. That degree would’ve never been earned. If I had waited, life would have passed by me.
But why do I feel like this?
It has nothing to do with the country or the people. Hear me out. I have a crazy love for this country that I believe was totally gifted to me by a higher power. The love I have for the people is not self-developed. It is hard to put into words how I feel when I am there; two summers ago, I wrote a blog trying to capture these feelings. It truly felt like home. Two years later and the feeling has ceased to escape me. Although, I am little shaky as to whether or not those feelings will remain. As I grow older each year, I put down more roots and settle just a bit more. So, check back with me in two weeks when I return to America. I am not feeling doubtful because of the people or the country. I am excited to travel. If my lifestyle could sustain frequent traveling then I would do so. But, it seems that is currently not in the cards for me (thanks, grad school).
I think part of my uneasiness is because I am at a theological standstill with some things. This crossroads is a bit tricky to describe in words. On top of this tricky crossroads, I struggle with the generic mission mindset. It is one to be resisted and battled amongst onlookers. You know what I am talking about. The mindset that says a missionary has to have all the right answers. The mindset that calls the missionary a champion and proclaims that she is in a foreign country to save souls from the enemy. These things simply sound like mumbo jumbo to me right now. Much of this has been influenced by my study of the history of Christianity this summer. I am hung up on the Christian/mission complex and I am scared that I will be perceived in such a terrible manner (see: Latin American history of Christianity). I do not want people to hear that I am a Christian and think that I am coming to their country to snatch their religion from their grasps. I am not there to disturb their way of life.
I love missions and want to be a missionary and a writer and continue to travel because I feel compelled to do life with people. I want to learn from other people, their cultures, ways of life, loves and struggles, and share that with others. I want to sit across the table from someone that speaks a different language than I do and learn the most from their life’s story. Everyone has a story and a voice that must be heard. I do not want to travel the world and shove my faith in anyone’s face. At the risk of sounding super hippy-dippy, I just want to do life with and love on people.
To me, missions is not about going so that others in a foreign country can learn from me because I am a western Christian. Even more so, missions is not about making me feel better about my life when I return to America. That mindset is wrong. I can guarantee you that I have learned more from those that I have met in Thailand the past two summers than they have learned from me. Especially in terms of spirituality and understanding the Christian faith. Y’all, Western Christianity is wacky and messed up (all the same it is still beautiful–hear me out, I am not stomping on the bride of Christ). Just the other day I was joking (well, in all seriousness) with my boyfriend that he and I should have been born in Asian country because we resonate so much more with their views on spirituality. To step into another part of the world and view Christianity through another pair of eyes is so beautiful. Cynicism and uncertainty fade.
All of this to say, I am scared to get on a plane and go to another country because it is a change of pace for two weeks from my comfortable western life. I know that the experiences will change me, for better or for worse, and that scares me. I will meet people and eat foods and smell things and cry and laugh with so much heart that it will blow me away. These new experiences will stretch and grow me. This is all the more reason why I need to strap on my two backpacks and get on that plane to Bangkok.
At the end of the day, I think these emotions are good to feel and embrace. I have an inkling that this discombobulated thing will touch someone (probably me). There is a reason I feel uncertain, small, and other things. There is a greater purpose for that. God/Buddha/whoever will use it. So, I charge you, and me, to go ahead and feel uncertain. Feel small. Feel inadequate. Dig deep and discover the source of these manifested emotions. Answers might not be given, and that’s okay, just don’t run away. Run into life and jump into that next adventure.
End note: shout-out to feeling hollow and incomplete. I didn’t want to post this because my writing didn’t feel “rounded out,” but for writing about feeling incomplete, it seemed appropriate.
Alyssa R. Peterson 